WT!@?@F%$@#!?!

January 20, 2023

I honestly never thought I would be angry at him. Even when he was sick, people would tell me that it’s ok to be angry and my immediate thought was, “but why would I be angry at him?” I didn’t think I’d be angry at God either, which was the next obvious choice, because I believe that for whatever stupid reason, this was just M’s path. He wasn’t intended to have a long life. I don’t know why it’s like that, but I know that it is. Anyway, I never thought I’d be angry. But today I’m angry.

Nothing happened. There was no action or bill that came in the mail or thing that I couldn’t do. I woke up feeling fine and by noon (which was shortly after I got up), I was angry. I’m not angry at the world, I’m angry at him. I’m angry that he got sick and DIED. I’m angry that he did what any other normal human being would do and still it wasn’t enough. I’m angry that he didn’t have any super powers to stop his fate. I know it doesn’t make sense and it wasn’t his fault but I’m angry still.

Since I’ve been home, I’ve been able to really cry loud for as long as I need because this is my house and I can do what I want here. Plus, I’m alone.

Closely tied to anger is why. I got the why’s a day or so ago. This also just hit me out of nowhere. Up to this point, I’ve been so sure that I wasn’t going to go down that rabbit hole of no answers. In my grief group I would confidently (and naïvely) claim, “why would I want to go down a rabbit hole that I already know will never give me any answers?” No way, not me, I’d think. And then out of nowhere, I started wondering why this happened to him – to us – to me? WHY?

My anger seems to have come out of the inability to answer the why. Why isn’t he reaching out to me? Why doesn’t he answer when I talk to him? Why did he hold on to so many old batteries? What does this key open? Why did he never wear this black coat? Who will answer these questions?